Well here I am looking pretty happy to get through to the next stage, what a roller coaster ride it was! The adrenalin of being awake 24 hours from not sleeping the night before, to waiting in a queue from 4am (without a toilet) until my 10 seconds of being infront a TV producer and a vocal coach, was definitely an exciting experience.

However trying to do it the second day in a row was a bit much, even though it would be considered similar to doing a singing tour which I`ve done in the past, I still slept in. We just made it there on time for registering 8:30am after getting through the peak hour traffic....and then, I didn`t get to sing until 1pm. SO TIRED!!

My first audition I was ready to give my best go, and pre-warned the judges my voice might not be warmed up after sitting in the freezing cold for hours but their comments were after two lines - "STOP!" (I froze) "Sonja - (Yes that`s me....??) your voice is warmed up - you`re in." (PHEW!) Then the tears of happiness and relief ran down as I ran and leapt on the judges flinging my arms around them with thanks. (That`s just me, a little over the top I guess at times?).

So, that was the ride to the summit, but then for the sudden ride down the other side of the roller coaster.....DAY 2 NZ IDOL2.

Cameras everywhere! Filming the crowd that were there for their first audition as they sang with their guitars, while our lot that got thru from the day before sat eagerly waiting our number hoping not to miss our call.

When I say cameras everywhere, they were filming people standing infront of this mirror with a picture of a mic stand in the middle as though they had a mic and were singing on NZ Idol. I even saw one camera race out the door filming a crying baby a mother was holding....yeah, you seriously couldn`t get caught picking your nose, or grabbing any cute butt nearby - I mean it!

But anyway, we lined up when our number was called and were filmed walking past yet another camera on our way up the stairs to the dungeon. I mean, room of opportunity. Hehe. We all sat on selected seats in a row and moved up one as we were processed. I mean, nominated.

In the room before "the room" I had another cameraman asking me questions about what I think the judges are looking for. I just wanted that time to myself to prepare myself mentally before going in, but had no time and before I knew it - there they were. I panicked inside, my ultimate fear I faced (will they like me?) came a reality, I was unable to naturally sing like I normally do nor emotionally express my song in, I think it was, 4 lines acapella?

I put it down to being more used to live audiences, bands and definitely a different atmosphere. I didn`t sing what I had planned to, and now I really kick myself.

Paul Ellis asked me before I started what I had done on TV, I mentioned I had won a TVNZ Showcase heat with my original song, was voted viewers choice that year and asked back as a guest on McDonalds` Young Entertainers in 1997. His comments after I sang were - "I don`t think this competition is for you, I feel you have moved on, and it`s a no from me"

Frankie - "Sonja, I know what you are capable of as I have seen you perform before and know you can do better than what you have done today, so it is a yes from me"

Jackie (Whom I didn`t think would like me before I even auditioned for NZ Idol) said something to the effect of "I don`t think you are pops" and said no.

Being that I knew I didn`t sing my best and already had started kicking myself, by the time it came to Jackie`s answer I kind of knew I wasn`t going to make it and started getting teary-eyed...Yes I know. I feel so humiliated, because the cameras were on me as I came down, and interviewed me during this time that I was at such a low.

Well, I tried, but to me not enough. I really wanted this opportunity to get exposure so I could do my own album or get the interest of BMG. But I blew it. I feel so embarrassed, and untalented right now no matter what I have achieved in the past, it feels worthless after this mistake I made and wish I could have had one more chance at it. Maybe I will have to go back like others next year? Don`t know if I want to do that.

Anyhow, that was how I was feeling, but am trying to prepare myself for if the shots of myself are viewed on screen for everyone`s laughter. Although this doesn`t mean the end from me, as I think it has sparked my battery to get my act into gear and sing more than just working a day job for the rent. Definitely this proves singing is my passion and my life. Might explain why the past year my health has deteriorated from not singing so much.

I have contacted fellow musicians who wanted me to join their band to do corporate gigs but nothing came about, so we are working on this now.

Goodluck to those who got thru, Sonja is down, but not out yet! Smiling Kia kaha!